hi. ik i don't really have a platform here, nor do i think anyone will see this, but i wanted to give a log update, mainly just for myself. last post i did here wasn't the best to disappear on.

since then life has been, well, still not the best lmao. but, things have gotten a little bit better.

i'm definitely in a much better place than i was, despite still not being in a good place at all. i am nowhere near okay, but closer than i was say a few months ago.

i'm currently suffering with some issues, and a really annoying brutal mental cycle which is extremely difficult to escape. but, i am coping. i am alive. i am trying.

i've been dealing with some long-term heartache from being rejected by the only person i've had real feelings for, and i feel really pathetic, and that i should be over it by now. but here we are.

recently i've felt extremely lonely, and i feel as if i'm never going to find someone who will love me back. this is one of my main problems. i lack a lot of affection, and i'm a very needy and clingy pup. i miss being loved.

for a little while, *all* of my friends had found new groups, and i was alone for around a month or 2. idk how accurate that is, time concept has flew out the window. thanks, depression.

but some are back hanging with me, which is great. love my friends, and as much as my abandonment issues from over the years of well, constant abandonment, keep trying to bash me, i know these are the ones. they'll never leave and i'll never leave them. these are my best friends. there are specifically 5 of them that i cherish so damn much, they know who they are.

around april or may i started playing pokemon black and white/black and white 2 again, and it resparked my love for both the entire franchise and full odds shiny hunting. getting back into pokemon was one of the best decisions i've ever made. in some cases, i believe it really saved my life immensely. pokemon began to spark emotion back into my life, and that was huge for me. i was finally feeling again.

since that time, that's mostly all i've been doing. getting back into streams and content creation slowly, too. after being attacked by 50+ people saying they're gonna do some shit to me has actually taken a bit of a shot to my drive for it.

me and a few buds have also been working on a hide and seek map for fortnite, which should finally be done within the next few days, and we'll finally be able to premiere it to the community after all these months of silence.

i've been mostly just existing, loafing in vr. it's been kinda chill, yet kinda unfilling. awh well, ig.

so, overall, things have been picking up slowly. my heart is still spilling everywhere, but slowly restitching. slowly bandaging all my wounds, and on a very slow but clear recovery. i'm not okay, but i'm better than i was. i'm not okay, but i will be. i believe it.

i wrote all this during a bad brain moment/small spiral, so shows i do know i got this. it's just gonna take time.

i got time.

that's all for now

see ya soon for either some real stuff or for another update, howl. <3

keep going, silly pup.